It's that time of year again. That annual, televisual feast which sees the 'greatest' business minds on this sceptred isle pitted against one another in competition to see who is first to get cherry blossom poisoning from licking the boots of 'Sralan'. Herein, lies the greatest downfall of The Apprentice - the Sorcerer himself. Lord/Sir/Mr/Lord of Darkness/Alan Sugar, whilst being a fabulous pantomime villain who, by default, makes fabulous pantomime television is not the sort of person I would wish to have as a mentor in the cut-throat world of hard and fast business. Please don't misunderstand me here. I am not disputing his razor sharp business acumen nor his in-depth understanding of markets and their rollercoaster nature but rather, to use a well coined business phrase, his 'people skills'.
It's unfortunate, really, that this programme has become such a breeding ground for what, in any real work place, would probably be seen as bullying. Lord Sugar seems only ever to attack the contestants vying for his affections and I cannot recall one occurrence of him ever giving praise or any sort of positive reinforcement. Whilst Nick Hewer's disco dancing eyebrows and sarcastic facial spasms do provide some comic relief and Karren Brady's mere presence does more for the feminist movement than Katie Price ever will (sorry, dear!), the programme still comes across as quite simply, 'The Alan Sugar Show'. His sarcasm, lame metaphors and Cockney patter making him the Del Boy of Canary Wharf. If I had a business mentor like him, I'd be awfully confused as to whether or not I had any business talent and would be seeking alternative employment (and perhaps therapy!). Quickly.
So to the 2013 contestants (well, a handful of them)!
Leah Totton strikes me as interesting televisual fodder, not least because of her 'Page 3' blonde locks and pouty chops but because of her current career. The woman's a doctor! She's a practicing GP, having spent years studying, we assume hard, at university only to jack it all in for a place on The Alan Sugar Show. I would be interested to know her reasons behind this decision.
And the winner of the 'Not Helping Women get Ahead in Business' award is Luisa Zissman who says of her business abilities 'I have the energy of a Duracell bunny, the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit and a brain like Einstein.' Yes, Ms Zissman, you may well think you have the same sexual attraction as the Kathleen Turner voiced Jessica but quite what this has to do with your real boardroom talents, I don't know. Please don't start putting polyfilla on that glass ceiling when we've worked so damn hard to smash it!
Every series of The Apprentice has a 'sweety'. A young chap who is probably still wearing the same suit he wore to his university interview and of whom your mother would remark 'he's a lovely guy but you'll break his heart!' This Series' 'sweety' is Jason Leech, historian and property entrepeneur. From what is said of Jason in his 'blurb', he seems like a fine example of middle class British stock, citing croquet as an interest and John Lewis as an admired brand. And in the true spirit of middle class, public school arrogance, Jason blows all his warming traits out of the water by mentioning his 'effortless superiority'.
I should probably take this opportunity to mention that I don't even watch The Apprentice. I gave up on it about 5 years ago, roughly the same time that I gave up on television as an entire medium, partly because I couldn't believe that the people being paraded through London's Square Mile to Prokofiev's 'Dance of The Knights' were truly the cream at the top of Britain's milk jug of business! Having trawled through the reviews of tonight's episode and the inevitable 'ranting' on Facebook and other social media, it's not just me who sees it like this. As one broadsheet's reviewer put it, 'They should rename this, 'The Git'!'
